David Kolbusz Scripts a Cat-Astrophic Commercial

In the world of advertising there are those ‘bottom drawer’ scripts and ideas that have, so far and for varied reasons, remained unmade. There are also those that started with great potential but ended up as damp squibs. Then there are those that could not – indeed, should not – be made.

In the second of his Off Script series, Droga5 London CCO, David Kolbusz, plays devil’s advocate with the imaginary scripts that taste forgot.

Client: Meow Mix

Note: This campaign would see the introduction of two brand mascots, Meowy and Mixxy – precocious housecats who’ll go to extraordinary lengths for a taste of Meow Mix. Multiple spots would chronicle their ongoing struggle to get their owner – Grace – to buy their favourite cat food brand.

SPOT 1 Intro

We open on a pair of cats gazing absently out of the window of a sitting room in a middle-class suburban home.

MIXXY: Hey, Meowy?

MEOWY: Yes, Mixxy?

MIXXY: When do you think Grace is going to be home with our dinner?

Meowy holds up his paw as if he was looking at a watch.

MEOWY: I’ll tell you when – “Not soon enough o’clock.”

There is a pregnant pause to accommodate for audience laughter. Then a car pulls up. Grace gets out with a bag of cat food. Meowy and Mixxy’s heads turn, following her every step up the front drive. The key hits the lock and she enters… only to reveal that she hasn’t bought Meow Mix, but a substandard generic brand.

MIXXY: No Meow Mix?

MEOWY: This is a CAT-astrophe.

The sound of a slide whistle communicates that the final punchline has been delivered.

Cut to our endline and logo.

VO: Keep your cats happy with Meow Mix.

SPOT 2 Home Alone

We open on Meowy and Mixxy in the kitchen, staring at two untouched bowls of generic brand cat food. Another cat – Leo – enters the kitchen through the cat-flap.

LEO: Hey guys – what’s up?

MIXXY: Grace has switched to a generic brand of cat food.

MEOWY: It’s a CAT-astrophe.

MIXXY: You’ve already made that joke. It gets less funny every time.

Meowy and Leo seem taken aback and exchange an awkward look.

MEOWY: Hey, relax, Mixxy. There’s no reason to be a jerk.

MIXXY: Except for the fact that I haven’t eaten in 24 hours. What a shame that hackneyed, half-baked puns don’t taste like Meow Mix, otherwise I could feed on the garbage that comes out of your mouth.

He storms out of the kitchen. Mixxy and Leo stand there in awkward silence for about 15 seconds, knowing they probably should say something to each other but both struggling to find the words.

Cut to our endline and logo.

VO: Keep your cats happy with Meow Mix.

SPOT 3 Inner Thoughts

We open on Meowy and Mixxy staring absently out the window of the sitting room in their home. Meowy appears to be enjoying the view. Mixxy’s got something else on his mind.

MIXXY: It’s funny, isn’t it?

MEOWY: What?

MIXXY: How cat owners construct their own narratives around why we do what we do. The thing is… Grace doesn’t know what I’m thinking.

MEOWY: How do you mean?

MIXXY: This morning she was making her breakfast and I was staring at the food in my dish and she says to me: “You don’t have to wait for me, Mixxy.” Like she thought I was waiting for her to finish preparing her meal, so we could eat together.

MEOWY: Well, what were you actually thinking?

MIXXY: I’ll tell you what I was thinking: you know how they say that if someone dies in their apartment and their cat starts to get hungry, they’ll eventually eat the owner? I was thinking that, given the opportunity, I would eat Grace now. Just to teach her a lesson for bringing a shit, no-name cat food into the house.

Meowy looks surprised by the outburst.

MIXXY: I’d start with the face. Take her eyes first so she couldn’t fight back.

Meowy shifts uncomfortably and goes back to looking out the window.

Cut to our endline and logo.

VO: Keep your cats happy with Meow Mix.

SPOT 4 Retribution

We open on Meowy bounding down a flight of stairs and into the kitchen where he stops in his tracks. Mixxy is standing next to Grace’s body, which is splayed out on the linoleum floor.

MEOWY: You’ve… killed her.

MIXXY: Not yet. She’s unconscious. She left a bottle of prescription painkillers open so I used them to drug a cassoulet she was making in the slow cooker.

Meowy is starting to panic.

MEOWY: Oh God. The whole bottle?

MIXXY: No. I was going to, but the conversation we had the other day got me thinking. Instead of killing Grace and feeding off her body, what if we harvest her organs, using the money we make to buy a limitless supply of delicious Meow Mix? Which brings me to my next question – do you know anyone in black market trafficking?

Meowy backs out of the room. Mixxy calls after him.

MIXXY: You’re a coward and you have no imagination.

Cut to our endline and logo.

VO: Keep your cats happy with Meow Mix.

SPOT 5 Hunger Strike

Fast-forward two weeks and we see Mixxy lying in his cat bed, gaunt and with sunken, glazed-over eyes. Meowy is by his side.

MEOWY: Mixxy, it’s been two weeks. You have to eat something. Grace is scared for you. We all are.

MIXXY: Well, maybe instead of her benign, meaningless gestures like taking me to the vet to find out what’s wrong, she could buy a better cat food. Something like – I don’t know – Meow Mix?

MEOWY: Jesus Christ, Mixxy. This is hardly the time to be stubborn. You’ll die if you don’t eat. Cats can’t live this long without food.

Staring into the abyss, Mixxy delivers his final soliloquy.

MIXXY: I’m not sure it’s that important that I live, Meowy. What is life anyway? What is death? A codified realignment of matter? We just become soil? Bullshit. We’re all living in a simulation anyway. Our consciousness is dictated by a civilization probably not dissimilar to our own. In all likelihood they’ve recreated a slightly less evolved version of themselves and are using us for the purpose of discovery and enlightenment. At worst, for fun.

They’ve given us the concept of a higher power and lead us to believe that ‘God’ holds the answers. The uncertainty keeps us guessing, striving and searching for meaning. But there is no meaning. At least, none within reach. And do you know how I know this is true? Because the very fact that we aren’t running a simulation ourselves is proof of the fact that we’re in one.

With that last sentence, the cats’ faces begin to wobble and distort. Meowy looks fearful and confused. Mixxy looks content – as though he’s cracked a riddle and understands that in speaking the answer aloud, it will have a profound and damaging effect on all ‘life’. His eyes go black and the universe breaks apart.

Cut to our endline and logo.

VO: Keep your cats happy with Meow Mix.