David Kolbusz on the Joys of Messing About in Super-Yachts
Investing in a Trinity Yacht is more than just a lifestyle choice, reckons our columnist in his latest script. When the class wars break out, it's your only escape route from the carnage to come.
In the world of advertising there are always bottom-drawer scripts and ideas that have, so far and for various reasons, remained unmade. In his ongoing series for shots, David Kolbusz, CCO of Droga5 London, plays devil’s advocate with the imaginary scripts that taste forgot.
Client: Trinity Yachts
Title : Because You Can
We open on a woman dressed in a power suit standing on a roof terrace of a metropolitan high rise. She’s in mid-conversation with a group of young well-do-dos enjoying crudités and idle chit chat about some bullshit new restaurant called La Bouche. As one of them stops the conversation to point out the sky glowing magenta, she rolls her eyes, makes a jerk-off motion with her hand and turns to camera.
SPOKESWOMAN: We’ve all been there. You’re at a mixer atop a ‘lavish’ penthouse apartment when someone stops the conversation to admire the sunset. By the time everyone’s done talking about it, the evening feels like it’s been as long and painful as the outdated Southeast Asian torture method of slowly growing bamboo shoots through a captive victim’s body.
We cut to her walking up the steps of a town hall as we hear the din of a soirée in full swing. Well-to-do over-50s mill about outside dressed in their finest evening wear, as dead-eyed young catering staff offer Beluga caviar served on tiny spoons to each person that shuffles in. Our spokeswoman plucks one from the tray as she steps inside.
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SPOKESWOMAN: Or how many times have you been hosting a thousand-dollar-a-plate fundraiser for some pet cause nobody will give one tenth of a fuck about six months from now, and the venue looks like something a psychopath wouldn’t deign to use as a kill room?
She surveys her environs, takes a mouthful of her caviar, and spits the US$35,000/kg fish roe out in disgust.
SPOKESWOMAN: You may be thinking to yourself, ‘Is this as good as it gets?’, and the answer is a resounding ‘no’. You’re better than this. Anything in life that you do – from the fundraisers you stage, to the dinners you cater, to the chem-sex parties you host – everything is better on a superyacht.
We cut to our woman striding along the berth of the Riva San Biagio in Venice, Italy, in front of a large, impressive boat that dwarfs the buildings it’s moored in front of, casting the boardwalk into darkness and ruining the view for all passersby. She steps onto the gangway and boards the vessel.
SPOKESWOMAN: I know what you’re thinking: ‘Superyachts are an unnecessary extravagance that make me seem like a hateful cipher, disconnected from the concerns of pretty much all of humanity’. But while it’s true that poor people don’t have the most positive impressions of the rich, it’s not for the reasons you think.
She stands at the stern of the superyacht’s upper deck, holding a bottle of Champagne. Next to her is a pyramid of multiple Champagne glasses. Oddly, the one at the very top is absurdly large. She starts to pour the Champagne into the top glass, only instead of it cascading down the tower, it all stays in the first piece of stemware.
SPOKESWOMAN: So often we assume it’s because the trickle-down effect as an economic theory has failed in practice, and that the borderline criminal reduction of taxes on corporations and the wealthy –designed to stimulate business in the short term and benefit society at large in the long term – has only led to a greater divide between the rich and poor; effectively destroying the middle class and returning most Western societies to a de-facto caste system in which your station is life is determined by the wealth that you’re born into.
She sets down the empty bottle on Carrara marble countertop, picks up a pair of binoculars and stares back at the mainland.
SPOKESWOMAN: But no. The reason the poor hate the rich is because they can see us. And do you know where they can’t see us? Miles from shore on a superyacht.
“You can’t hate what you can’t see. Out of sight, out of mind. And when the impoverished aren’t watching, you can have all the fun you want, guilt-free…On a Trinity Yacht you can get away with murder. ”
Our spokeswoman walks up a winding staircase to another deck where we see an oak-panelled ballroom boasting an ornate crystal chandelier and prime views of the clear blue waters below.
SPOKESWOMAN: That’s right. You can’t hate what you can’t see. Out of sight, out of mind. And when the impoverished aren’t watching, you can have all the fun you want, guilt-free. Racing jet skis? Check. Underwater tours in amphibious vehicles? Check. Hosting lavish parties staffed with paid escorts of both genders? Check. On a Trinity Yacht you can get away with murder.
Our spokeswoman now stands on the bow of the boat, staring off into the distance, holding a heavy book.
SPOKESWOMAN: And by murder we mean that almost literally. Now, we’re not saying you can kill whomsoever you want, whenever you want, but maritime law is pretty nebulous. And if you’re in international waters? Cole Porter said it best.
Anything Goes by Cole Porter starts to play on the ship’s tannoy. The camera tracks with our spokeswoman as she walks further down the deck.
SPOKESWOMAN: Look, when the day of reckoning comes – and it will come – the class wars will inspire carnage like the civilised world hasn’t seen since Marie Antoinette was forced to eat shit cake. The land-bound rich will retreat to their walled compounds until they’re overtaken by the angry impoverished. Multi-millionaires will use regular millionaires as human shields. But those of you in the billionaires club – those of you smart enough to buy a Trinity superyacht? You’ll be setting sail on the open seas instead of drowning in a river of blood.
See? You can put a price on life. And that price starts at US$12,000,000.
TAGLINE: Trinity Yachts. Because no one wants to die on land at the hands of poor people.
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